I haven’t been writing that much recently, mostly because I’ve been kinda busy, and also because I’ve been experiencing a lack of inspo. So far, the pieces that I’ve put on the blog have been very polished and well thought out. I have sent each one to Weston to proofread beforehand and we go through several rounds of iterations before it goes live. It takes so much dang time and effort! But yesterday, I was reminded of this beautiful Hemingway quote:
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
I literally was like “NO! There’s SO much more! First, you have to put all of your ideas into your notes app. Then, you have to run them by a bunch of friends to see what they think. Then, you have to set up the perfect writing setting, ideally in a coffee shop or in the sunniest room of your house with some fresh brewed coffee for the perfect insta pic. Then, my cat Bodhi sits on the keyboard for a bit. Next, I bang out a few paragraphs if I’m lucky. If I’m not, I sit staring at the screen thinking about how my words are going to be misinterpreted and start talking myself out of everything. I finally have a draft and I send it to Weston for a few revisions. He adds his comments. Then, I have to pick the perfect photo to accompany the blog post. Then, I post to my website and CRAP I have to write a post for Facebook and Instagram. OMG It’s 11PM on a work night. Finally, the post is live and I wait for comments and likes to roll in.”
When I read the words, “All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed”, I honestly had to laugh at how complicated I was making the whole process.
So I decided to get off my ass, pull out my computer and start bleeding.
These past couple of weeks have been pretty busy. Weston and I went back to Chicago in mid-April to meet our niece Quinn who was just born in January (she’s the cutest!!) and spend some much-needed quality time with the rest of the Dombroski/Urban clan. I just love going home, you guys. I find myself not looking at my phone for the ENTIRE day and whenever I come back to SF I feel super refreshed. We always get to go out and eat great food and connect in a way that we just aren’t able to do very well over the phone. I think living out west has really forced Weston and me to prioritize better. With the limited amount of time we do have, we have to prioritize the people that mean the most to us, and unfortunately, that sometimes means saying “no”. It KILLS me. Of course, I would love to see my friends and extended family, but we’re often torn between spending lots of quality time with our family and spending little chunks of time with a bunch of people we want to see. And we’d so much rather not feel rushed with the people we care about. A big part of my self growth out here has been saying “no” and prioritizing the people that matter the most to me. Going home continues to be a great opportunity to practice just that!
Fast forward to the last week in April when my BFF Kris married Kyle Swan! For one minute, can I just gush about how amaze their wedding was? First of all, it was one of the chillest, most intimate, amazing, beautiful weddings I have ever attended. Kris had been planning their courthouse wedding with a judge for a few weeks, but when we showed up on the day, the judge was out of office! In a moment of panic, I became #ordained on my phone (currently taking wedding requests) but luckily they were able to find another judge to marry them. The whole situation was hysterical and K+K handled it with such grace and humor. Afterwards, we went to a few of their favorite bars in Portland, including the place where Kyle bartends. When K+K entered, the entire bar and restaurant cheered so loudly it shook the building! It was such an amazing thing to see- this incredible community they’ve created in such a short amount of time, so invested in K+K’s commitment to one another. I’m tearing up again as I write this! K+K, if you’re reading this, I love you both SO much.
And last week, I had to go back to Chicago, this time for a work trip. I was happy to stay with my mom, and we went out for my brothers’ bdays the first night I was in town. I got to spend lots of time with my mom, worked from home on Monday, and got dinner with Judy in the evening. Judy is one of those best friends who I can pick up exactly where we left off last time. After our dinner on Monday, I realized that I seriously look up to her so much. She’s strong and resilient, but she’s not afraid to get vulnerable. She’s intelligent and ambitious, but also humble and kind. To me, she’s one of the most amazing representations of what women should strive to be: fierce AND soft.
Isn’t is amazing how when I just sit down and write about all of the people who I love and fun times I’ve had, the words flow easily like water?
Well, earlier this weekend, I was feeling on the verge of a major funk. Like I didn’t want to do anything except watch Riverdale and lay on the couch and scroll through my phone and feel bad for myself. Lazy days are super important, IF you can have a healthy perspective about them. I, however, usually do not (ha!). If I’m not doing something productive or feeling a sense of forward-moving momentum, I typically feel like a POS and send myself down a rabbit hole of “what are you doing with your life?” self-talk.
These moments of down time after a whirlwind of activity and commitments, I’ve found, are very much similar to the head space I experience while trying to meditate. Since my mind is constantly stimulated, thinking about my to-do list, worries, concerns, consuming social media, email, messages, etc., when I finally take the time to sit and do nothing, I freak out!! I don’t want to sit and do nothing, I’d rather keep distracting myself until it’s time to go to bed, then wake up in the morning and do the same thing all over again! Intellectually, I know that this isn’t a sustainable way to live, but I really struggle with taking time for myself to be still with zero stimulation. So, when I’ve made it through a busy month like April, I end up feeling a sense of loss/sadness instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment.
Are you at all like me in that you constantly find yourself looking for distractions instead of staying in the moment? You guys, it’s easier now more than ever with our phones, computers, notifications, etc. Have you ever heard someone say, “I could never retire / take more than 2 weeks off, I would get so bored!”
But why are we all so afraid of being bored?!
So, instead of planning my next trip or looking forward to the next thing on the calendar, I’m going to try to just hold space for boredom. These next few weeks, I have NOTHING planned. And while it’s a little daunting, I’m trying to lean into it and be open to what comes my way. There is so much beauty in the unplanned and the unexpected that is passing me by because I’m too distracted to see it. So instead, I’m going to turn off my phone and the TV, cuddle with Bodhi, and go for a nice long evening walk with my man. With nowhere to be and nothing to do.
-H