For those of you who know me well, I am a chronic people pleaser. I have gotten a lot better as I get older (I’m almost 30!), but I’m still a big "YES" person. Meaning, I tend to say "yes" to everything, sometimes even when I don’t want to do it or it doesn’t serve me. And I know I’m not alone here. Especially as a woman, it’s in our nature to want to give, serve, care, and put everyone else first. But like with other things, balance is super important. When I lived in Chicago, I used to say "yes" to everything, to the point that I would be out of the house from early in the morning to late at night every single day of the week. The great part was that I had a flourishing social life, the bad part was that I was on the brink of a panic attack because I didn’t have a minute to myself!
Fast forward to moving to San Francisco, where I made a vow to myself to say "NO" when I meant no. When I needed more time to myself, even if it meant letting people down. I choose sweet friend dates over happy hours, yoga classes over staying late at work, and spa days over waiting in line for brunch. And you guys, it has been so freeing! Realizing that it’s mostly me putting the pressure on myself, I found out that my friends and coworkers don’t really care what I do. In fact, me saying no also empowers them to say no.
If I have plans with someone and I’m just feeling too burnt out or stressed, I might say “ you know, I’d just like some alone time tonight, can we please reschedule?” Note- this doesn’t mean I cancel all the time and am flaky, because I still believe in the power of commitment. But you’re going to be a much better friend if you take time for yourself, and you’ll be more present when you do end up hanging out. If your friend gets upset or doesn’t understand, chances are, it’s probably not about you. Just like everyone else, they have insecurities that they need to work through, and it’s unfair for them to put so much pressure on you in the first place. Sometimes, saying “no” will cause other people to question their actions, or feel judged, but that’s none of your business.
As long as you’re communicating your truth in an honest and kind way, all you can control is your intent.
I’m also noticing this incessant need to over-explain myself all the time in order to not hurt people’s feelings. Have you ever tried to back out of something gently by providing a whole range of excuses, to which the person inviting you took as an invitation to solve for those excuses? “Well maybe I can find someone to watch your cat so that you come on this trip!!” If you just say “No thanks! I’d rather do X”, not only are you speaking truth to exactly what you want to do, but you also leave no space for fixing or solving. This is going to sound dramatic, but if we’re not exercising our free will on the two days of the week when we have no one to answer to, what the hell is the point?!
SO this all brings me to today. I’m currently working a full time job at Visa and I teach 4 yoga classes a week: 2 on the weekdays, and 2 over the weekend. I am such a doer, and it truly gives me energy to share what I love with others. But, we all know that there can often be too much of a good thing. I sometimes feel like I have 2 modes: ON and OFF. And right now, I’m feeling so overwhelmed from all of my responsibilities, I just want one day OFF! Like, I am literally days away from quitting my day job, buying a tiny home, and escaping the rat race altogether.
Do you ever experience this irrational response to the feeling of too much...everything?
As per my most recent post, I am trying to do less, and I think that having one day a week with absolutely no expectations or responsibilities will be really good for me. Do I want to give up my Saturday class? Of course not! I love my students a ridiculous amount, and I know they’re going to be disappointed. But the truth is, I need to prioritize my well-being. AND I’m still teaching a ton! You have 3 more chances to practice with me during the week (here's a link to my schedule!). I am the ONLY person who is laying on the pressure so hard.
If giving up this class means that I’m going to have a full day to myself for exploring, relaxing, and recharging, well I really can’t see a world in which that’s a bad thing. I know that I can always throw more balls in the air if I want to, but for right now, I’m in the mood for a little less juggling :)
- h